The Only Advice You Will Ever Need. Like, Ever.
**Pre-Emptive Disclaimer: Whilst Googling images to use for this post, I discovered that several people have already written about this subject. Pretty extensively. Which simultaneously makes me feel awesome because it means I am obviously right, again, but also stupid because I probably should have checked before I spent two fucking hours writing something that has already been written. I am an idiot. But I figure, one can not ever hear this advice too many times. So apologies and a hat tip to those who went there first. You are my heroes.
That’s right, friends. Your horny, half-witted, humble-ish, eighth-favorite blogger is in possession of the ONE SINGLE THING you need to know in order to fully participate, winningly, in Life. I realize that sounds like a bold claim, but I promise you, it’s true. There really IS a secret to life, and I am going to tell it to you. There really is only one thing you need to do to change your entire fucking existence. Are you ready? Here it is: the Only Advice You Will Ever Need:
Don’t be a dick.
That’s it. It’s so simple, and everyone thinks they already know it, but they do not. There is never a time, a situation, or a problem that cannot be solved by simply making the choice, right then and there, to NOT be a dick. You will never go wrong. “But Misanthropista,” you cry, “surely you cannot solve all of my problems with just that one little thing…” Yes. Yes, I can.
This directive will never fail you. This is the I-Ching. The Holy Fucking Grail of unsolicited advice. If everyone on earth did this one thing, there would be no war. There would be no divorce, there would be no hunger, poverty, racism, child abuse. There would be no bullying. No crime. None. If every person, every day, in every quandary, faced their choices with the simple aim of Not Being A Dick, just imagine how different things would be. Here are some examples, in case you are finding this hard to grasp:
I’m in a hurry, and the only parking spot left at the gym is handicapped parking: should I take the spot (because seriously, like, are any handicapped people REALLY going to come to the gym in the 45 minutes it might take me to go prance around in my spandex, flirt with some meat suits, drink a smoothie and not work out?)? No. You should not take the handicapped spot. Don’t be a dick.
I don’t want to vaccinate my children because I think I know better than a century of doctors and scientists, and I want to start wielding the tight fist of parental control over my kids as early as possible by gambling with oh, I don’t know, Their Health, and I don’t really give a shit whether their pure, unvaccinated asses make everyone else in the entire fucking world sick. What should I do? Vaccinate your fucking kid. Don’t be a dick.
I’m kinda seeing this girl/guy/whatever but I’ve lost interest and I don’t really feel like explaining myself or risking a scene, so is it OK if I just disappear into the ether and never call or text her/him/whatever again? No. It’s not OK. Find some humane way to let her/him/whatever know that you won’t be calling again. Don’t be a dick.
Should I tip the movers/server/cab driver/etc? Yes. Don’t be a dick. Should I take up two parking spots at the crowded mall, since my car is so much nicer than all of the other ones? No. Don’t be a dick. My country is hosting the Olympics and I’d like to make sure that gay people know they are unwelcome in my land because gay people are obviously pedophiles and also criminals, and will definitely brainwash our 100% heterosexual children to join the Gay Side. May I ban homosexuals from my country? No. Don’t be a dick. Should I blow up an airplane full of people because it will score me some big points and a few virgins in the afterlife? Dude. No. Don’t be a dick. I make a lot of money. Should I have to share it with the less fortunate or pay more taxes to help ensure that each human being in our country has their basic needs taken care of? Yes. Don’t be a dick. I’m thinking about spying on my wife. Should I make up a fake Facebook profile and go to elaborate lengths to trick her into thinking I’m someone else in order to extract information out of her? No. You should not to that. Don’t be a dick. My beautiful yellow-haired God-fearing daughter wants to get married to a (insert racial, religious or ethnic inconvenience here). Can I stop her? No, you cannot. Don’t be a dick. I’m dating two people at once, and they both think that we’re exclusive…can I continue on like this indefinitely, ’cause it’s pretty fucking awesome. No. Pick one. Don’t be a dick. I think my husband is cheating in me with his secretary. Should I send her a dead bunny? No. Don’t be a dick. Should I call someone fat or ugly because I secretly loathe myself and being mean makes me feel important? No. You should not. Don’t be a dick.
Do you SEE, my friends? How easy? There are always, always, two very simple choices. To be (a dick), or not to be (a dick.) That is the question. And I’m giving you the answer. Don’t be a Dick. Ever. The choice is virtually never ambiguous or “complicated” (which, let’s face it, is just Asshole for “I am not willing to make a choice.” Also known as Being a Dick.). I personally guarantee that if YOU make a conscious and focused effort to Not Be A Dick, others will follow. Because Being a Dick feeds on itself – it perpetuates the dickdom and spreads it throughout society like an unvaccinated toddler with their medieval fucking swamp measles. When you stop Being a Dick, people around you and affected by you won’t need to Be a Dick, and they will stop, too. It’s magic. Like a beautiful, twinkly, dickless unicorn spreading peace and kindness throughout the land. Fine, it’s *probably* just cheap glitter. But it’s still a magical dickless unicorn, so you shut right up. That shit is so sparkly.
So that’s all, my friends. The Secret of Life. It’s the only thing you ever need to know and the only thing you ever need to teach your children. So what’s it going to be? Do you want to be the swamp measles or the unicorn glitter?
Don’t be a dick. Pick the glitter. You’re welcome.